上天的最后机会

I dreamt that I was dead.


或许这就是他们献给我的最后机会。。


This's got to be the weirdest dream I ever had. I woke up crying, and my sobbing startled xx awake. I woke up thinking that it was real - it took xx several times to convince me that it wasn't.

I cried for a long time afterwards. Can't fall asleep now with so many things I want to say, so that's why I'm typing this now..

I dreamt that I died in Taiwan, and everything that followed in these 2 weeks after was just a sequel to my death. In the dream, there were times I didn't remember that I was already dead. And then I put in too much of myself.. gosh.. the dream was just a repeat of everything that happened, with a few additions and there. So real it scares me.


可能，这是她给我的劝导 - 要我珍惜现在的一切？


I dreamt of him, my mum, and many others. I dreamt that when I was with him, I forgot that I was dead. I was so happy to be with him on his birthday I didn't realise it was not to be..

I dreamt that V sticked through with me, gave me support throughout the whole ordeal.

I dreamt that Mama did everything a mother will do for her child. Of course, I know she does now too=)

And then in the end, I dreamt that while Mama was putting me to bed, everything rushed back to me. I dreamt that I was guilty, because he was oblivious that I was... Yet, I put in too much. I thought of how eventually my spirit will leave this world, and it hurt so much to think I will leave all my loved ones.

I asked her,

“妈妈，你会不会忘记我？
我好怕我会忘了你。。
你可要记得我。。。”

The tears kept flowing after that.
Now I know how(good) it is to live twice.

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My beloved grandma..

I'm here now, before her altar at the funeral. Keeping watch for the night..

If you ask me how I feel right now, I guess.. I wouldn't have a proper reply. Yes, I'm bereaved, but I have gradually come to terms with the fact that she had passed on. Yet no matter how, I can't help the tears at times. Can't help being overwhelmed by a huge sense of longing for her; can't help but miss her voice, her smile.

I have so many things to say to her, but often I'm at a loss in expressing myself. I'm such a disappointment. In all my 18 years, I've only grasped a 5 year-old equivalent of Teochew. But she had never blamed me for that and only prodded me on when speaking. Despite my broken Teochew, I was never embarrassed to talk in front of her. Just her.


I miss you so much.

I miss your laughter.

I miss the way you jokingly scold me vulgarities because you wanted to test my level of Teochew. I always knew you were=)

I miss your phonecalls. I miss how you always asked after Ma, because you were concerned about how hard Ma had to work to support us.

I miss the stories you tell us of when we were young.

I miss you nagging at me and xiaomei to go home at 8pm everytime without fail, because you were worried we girls will be home too late.



I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that I was often scared to pick up your calls. I'm sorry for making you really frustrated at times when I couldn't comprehend the message you wanted me to pass to Ma.

I'm sorry for ever finding you a nuisance, for constantly thinking that you were naggy.

I'm sorry for breaking my promise to you that I'd stop fighting with xiaomei.

I'm sorry that I didn't visit you more often, when I could have.


Most of all, I want to thank you so much for taking care of us five. I knew you cared about us most among the other grandchildren. You would always make sure we had something to eat after school, and make sure we took back more than enough of your home-made cakes for the family.



I love you so much.

Did you hear me then? The night you left, I held your hand, kissed your forehead and said, 'I love you.' I know I say it to you all the time, but I mean it every single time.


I hope you're doing well up in heaven, grandma. I know you're happier now.

I'm happy for you too.

As much as I brace myself..

伤感

只能说

好害怕



好害怕失去她

好无奈…只想不停地哭

Dear sister..

Yes I'm smiling, and tearing at the same time.

Ha ha ha..what a joke.



So this is how you see me.
This is how you look at me.

Yes I read your msg history.

I now know.
It hurts to know.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.


Of all people that I love, why must it be you? The one dearest to hurt me most. Yes I'm an asshole for following you all the time. I must be such an irritant. And no, I don't go around telling other people untruths. What must I do to make you understand that I've made my choice and that the dinner with "I" was just dinner, nothing more? Why must you see me in that light?

And no, I didn't stop you from going into the r/s you want. The only person who could have the power to, would be you. Perhaps I judged him too quick, but isn't everyone the same? Especially for your other party to be an ex-drug addict, a smoker. Wouldn't anyone else see him in the same way I did?


Do you still remember this? -

'Surely all of that wouldn’t have been necessary? Is it necessary for you to break my heart like this? All of this scream at me failure – failure in keeping up to my role as a good sister, or even as a person. I know I’m very dependent on you for certain things like borrowing your money, but aren’t such things supposed to be very normal between siblings, much less us who are twins? Sometimes I find it hard to keep up with your expectations of me as an older sister.. and I feel so dreary, so weary of everything. Talking back or replying would only make matters worse. So I told myself, perhaps it’d be better to keep quiet.'



So much lesser to talk about between us, now.

'I hope you remember, I am only human afterall. I make mistakes. I can’t be the perfect sister you want. I can’t read your mind. I can’t tell whether you are disgusted/disappointed/displeased with whatever actions if you don’t tell me. I can’t help being the perfectionist I am. I can’t restrain my social circle just because, to you it is a sin to talk to guys.'

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.


'And knowing that “I can’t” do so many things is definitely enough to make me feel even more worthless.


So many incidents to make things fall apart. Very often, faults on my part too. Do you know each quarrel hurts me as much as they hurt you? We don’t need to quarrel, especially in such a tight time like this. I don’t want to quarrel, and I hope we will both stop making opportunities for them to happen. I will try to be nicer, although I can’t promise you much. I think you’ve known me long enough to know that I can’t really keep many promises. But what I can promise you is that I will try. I will try to be a nicer person and a nicer sister.

I’m sorry, and I love you.'


I still mean what I said.



Why do I treat my friends better than I treat you, you asked. Do I? Don't you?

Don't we all, at some point? As humans, don't we all lose sight of what's dear to us? Don't we all fail to cherish the ones next to us?

I try, I do try. But I also feel like simply letting go of sustaining this, if not for the invisible strings of the same blood flowing in us that's binding us together.

'Sometimes, I wish we're friends, and not sisters.'



1 beat, 2 beats, 3 beats. it's amazing how my heart's still beating in all the pain.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-- Robert Frost

The ups and downs of life.

Loss.

Grief.

Change.


Yes, I know I shouldn't be saying this when my beloved grandma is lying in the hospital once again. I don't understand this at all - At this age, when she should be enjoying her late years, why do so many things have to befall her?

First, the cancer. And just when our hopes got higher because the tumour had shrunken, a suspected stroke.


If only I can lessen her fear, her pain.




I just want her to be happy.

it came again

it came again.

the impulse to end it all.

a quick one, the roads're so busy afterall.







it's so easy.







but no, no, no.

hurt

I have always thought that since then, I wouldn't feel intensely anymore. Yes, I do get moody, confused..but never so hurt in the way..it hurts to breathe. Hurts to feel my heart beating. Hurts to cry.

So now I know, I'm not that unfeeling afterall.

I wonder if she knows she's the only one who can truly inflict such pain on me. If only..I could diminish that hatred in her. It hurts to look into her eyes.

Because..each time I'd only see anger, disappointment, contempt.


Before she left, she threw my stuff all over the room, smashed the keyboard repeatedly (thank goodness the laptops's still working),and hollered at me.
I tried telling myself, it's okay, really. I tried disguising my hurt clearing the mess.

But I still can't stop those pangs from coming back.

Well, I've just found she's changed the laptop password. After I shut this down, I will not be able to access it again. But I won't be asking her. This is weird I know, but I'm just going to pretend that I have no idea and nothing's happened.




I will wait.

What was I thinking?

Entry removed.

Foolish thoughts that shouldn't have been penned down.

Alright someone shoot me down for lying

Sorry i lied again..I just have too many things to pen down..



Just like that..a year has passed. So many memories, forgotten.
But I'm not complaining, because I'm thankful everything has come to pass.



Some quotes from the book I'm reading that would perhaps, echo my current feelings:

'Strangely, I was glad that someone knew me for who I really was; I was tired of pretending..'

'I wondered how and when I'd become capable of causing this kind of pain.'

'There was so much goodness in my life, so much happiness. I wondered whether I deserved any of it.'

it hurts to breathe.