My beloved grandma..

I'm here now, before her altar at the funeral. Keeping watch for the night..

If you ask me how I feel right now, I guess.. I wouldn't have a proper reply. Yes, I'm bereaved, but I have gradually come to terms with the fact that she had passed on. Yet no matter how, I can't help the tears at times. Can't help being overwhelmed by a huge sense of longing for her; can't help but miss her voice, her smile.

I have so many things to say to her, but often I'm at a loss in expressing myself. I'm such a disappointment. In all my 18 years, I've only grasped a 5 year-old equivalent of Teochew. But she had never blamed me for that and only prodded me on when speaking. Despite my broken Teochew, I was never embarrassed to talk in front of her. Just her.


I miss you so much.

I miss your laughter.

I miss the way you jokingly scold me vulgarities because you wanted to test my level of Teochew. I always knew you were=)

I miss your phonecalls. I miss how you always asked after Ma, because you were concerned about how hard Ma had to work to support us.

I miss the stories you tell us of when we were young.

I miss you nagging at me and xiaomei to go home at 8pm everytime without fail, because you were worried we girls will be home too late.



I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that I was often scared to pick up your calls. I'm sorry for making you really frustrated at times when I couldn't comprehend the message you wanted me to pass to Ma.

I'm sorry for ever finding you a nuisance, for constantly thinking that you were naggy.

I'm sorry for breaking my promise to you that I'd stop fighting with xiaomei.

I'm sorry that I didn't visit you more often, when I could have.


Most of all, I want to thank you so much for taking care of us five. I knew you cared about us most among the other grandchildren. You would always make sure we had something to eat after school, and make sure we took back more than enough of your home-made cakes for the family.



I love you so much.

Did you hear me then? The night you left, I held your hand, kissed your forehead and said, 'I love you.' I know I say it to you all the time, but I mean it every single time.


I hope you're doing well up in heaven, grandma. I know you're happier now.

I'm happy for you too.