Dear sister..

Yes I'm smiling, and tearing at the same time.

Ha ha ha..what a joke.



So this is how you see me.
This is how you look at me.

Yes I read your msg history.

I now know.
It hurts to know.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.


Of all people that I love, why must it be you? The one dearest to hurt me most. Yes I'm an asshole for following you all the time. I must be such an irritant. And no, I don't go around telling other people untruths. What must I do to make you understand that I've made my choice and that the dinner with "I" was just dinner, nothing more? Why must you see me in that light?

And no, I didn't stop you from going into the r/s you want. The only person who could have the power to, would be you. Perhaps I judged him too quick, but isn't everyone the same? Especially for your other party to be an ex-drug addict, a smoker. Wouldn't anyone else see him in the same way I did?


Do you still remember this? -

'Surely all of that wouldn’t have been necessary? Is it necessary for you to break my heart like this? All of this scream at me failure – failure in keeping up to my role as a good sister, or even as a person. I know I’m very dependent on you for certain things like borrowing your money, but aren’t such things supposed to be very normal between siblings, much less us who are twins? Sometimes I find it hard to keep up with your expectations of me as an older sister.. and I feel so dreary, so weary of everything. Talking back or replying would only make matters worse. So I told myself, perhaps it’d be better to keep quiet.'



So much lesser to talk about between us, now.

'I hope you remember, I am only human afterall. I make mistakes. I can’t be the perfect sister you want. I can’t read your mind. I can’t tell whether you are disgusted/disappointed/displeased with whatever actions if you don’t tell me. I can’t help being the perfectionist I am. I can’t restrain my social circle just because, to you it is a sin to talk to guys.'

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.


'And knowing that “I can’t” do so many things is definitely enough to make me feel even more worthless.


So many incidents to make things fall apart. Very often, faults on my part too. Do you know each quarrel hurts me as much as they hurt you? We don’t need to quarrel, especially in such a tight time like this. I don’t want to quarrel, and I hope we will both stop making opportunities for them to happen. I will try to be nicer, although I can’t promise you much. I think you’ve known me long enough to know that I can’t really keep many promises. But what I can promise you is that I will try. I will try to be a nicer person and a nicer sister.

I’m sorry, and I love you.'


I still mean what I said.



Why do I treat my friends better than I treat you, you asked. Do I? Don't you?

Don't we all, at some point? As humans, don't we all lose sight of what's dear to us? Don't we all fail to cherish the ones next to us?

I try, I do try. But I also feel like simply letting go of sustaining this, if not for the invisible strings of the same blood flowing in us that's binding us together.

'Sometimes, I wish we're friends, and not sisters.'



1 beat, 2 beats, 3 beats. it's amazing how my heart's still beating in all the pain.