Today

Today, I stopped believing. Stopped believing in miracles, stopped believing in any strand of hope. I've stopped believing in myself.

Today. We had our GOH rehearsal for Senior Minister Goh gracing our 45th anniversay.

Today. We had training till 8pm.

Today. I beared with it from 1pm till 8pm.And most importantly,

Today. I knew about the truth. I knew about everything. I knew I had been an idiot, believing in miracles that would have never had happened. I endulged in fantasies that were never meant to be. I had hopes too high that could never be achieved. I land myself in misery, in grief. Or is it disappointment, or a mixture of jealousy and hate all at the same time?

Rui and Cliff got BUC. Jan and KW got SI. Out of everyone, why them? Why must it be my best friends? Why was I the last person in the whole squad to know? Why? Why didnt they realise I was upset? Why didnt they see the tears roll down my cheeks? Why did the night had to mask my tears and let them mistake it for the light?

yongchang says:
there are still things in life u can go out for
yongchang says:
one thing in life is u must learn to impress ur superior, but be humble to those who are equal to u.

I wanted to scream: What about me? What about my feelings? I DESERVED EVERYTHING THEY GOT. THEY DID NOTHING AND GOT EVERYTHING. JAN THE QUIET GIRL GOT THE HIGHEST POSITION EVER. SHE DID NOTHING AND PEOPLE THOUGHT SHE WERE GOOD.KW THE SLACKER DID NOTHING IN NP EVER. CLIFF THE NOT-MY-BUSINESS GOT BUC. OH MY WHAT IS HE? An IRREGULAR ATTENDING CADET??AND RUIYAN, MY BEST FRIEND? OR IS SHE? WAS SHE BEING NICE TO ME CAUSE SHE FELT GUILTY ABOUT GETTING HER POSITION? WHY DO THIS THINGS TO ME!! OH GOD WHY DO THESE THINGS TO ME??

I'm crying as though my heart would break. And I mean it. The tears just keep welling out and my face is cramping. My heart feels as though it's about to stop beating anytime. I just so wished none of these had happened, so I wouldnt feel so miserable. But truth has to slap me in the face and tell me " hey you did all of these of your own accord. you have no one to blame but yourself"

Oh God, I feel so heartbroken. I want to hate her but i can't. She's my best friend.While walking out of school just now, she saw my tears welling out and I lied to her when she asked, "What's wrong?" "Oh nothing, i am just so happy I wanna cry."

And cry I did. Rui didnt realise that she is the very reason I was crying about and was cracking jokes about me being les. I wanted so much to scream and run away but I couldnt. She is only but the innocent victor.

You know now, flashes of me running a race is being played in my mind. Rui is beside cheering me on, while I was tripping and struggling with those hoops I had to jump over. Just when I was about to reach the finishing line, Rui unknowingly emerged the victor. How ironic can things get? She who were there for me and unloyal to the award got the award eventually. But who am I anyway to comment so much on Justice. Justice only exist in courts, in murder cases. Even so every now and then innocent people get maligned into serving sentences for crimes they never commit.

Oh God when are you going to release me from this Jail of Life. This is one too many tests to take. I just wanna lie and sleep forever.