OBS

Hey babes i just got back from OBS 2 days ago.. apart from a very burnt nose and partially tanned arms( only the part below my elbow got the sun if you get what i mean), all my 4 limbs are intact!! Congratulate me man!!!!

Didnt do much this OBS camp this time..did only about 1 activity per day, partly due to the fact that my group was always late and well, perhaps a little unco-operative. But there's no perfection, and i did learn new things afterall..

By the third night, XX and me were so exhausted and disappointed with our group's attitude, so we decided to havw a sleep in the tent during dinner. That really got everyone really anxious as they thought we were missing. And i told them frankly what i thought of them..Things got a lot better after that. I know that had been selfish of us to do that, but whatever it is, things really turned out for the better after that night.

Do the necessary, after that, do the unnecessary. then you can accomplish the impossible!

4 years in BPGHS

Well.. I'm back again for more boring entries..

What else? O levels just ended yesterday! Boy it's a day to remember man. Despite the risk of snoring in the cinema ( after all the mugging) we all decided to go for an evening movie till 10 plus! Go tooties go! Yeah it sure was a nice movie .. after these two torturous weeks..

Oh and back to the more darker side( what else i always write sad things here only)
hmm.. i cant seem to remember.. but i'll remember how i shall go about writing to some things to the people important in my life.. hmm..

As a reminder

I thought I didn't care, but I was wrong.

I thought I didn't care how I'll do for my Prelims, but I was wrong.

I thought I was immune to others, but I am wrong, too.


Got back our English results today. I was quite shattered by the grades, for I didn't expect something like this. Guess being complacent is my undoing. The people around me were getting As and everything, and all I could do was just stare at my marks, like some TV gone haywire, gone blank. Numbness was all I knew. I wonder what the other results would be like, now.

I thought I didn't care he had a change of heart, but I am wrong too. I mind it, really. It's like a kink of barbed wire inside my chest.

with wings

Joy is a butterfly
fluttering low over the earth.
But sorrow is a bird
With big, strong black wings.
They lift you high above life
Flowing below in sunlighy and growth.
The bird of sorrow flies high,
To where the angels of grief keep watch
Over death's lair.

Edith Sodergran

Cry

Cry somemore and you'll turn blind, Xiu Yi. Come on, cry cry cry. Cry till you go blind. The world doesnt need you -the Great Defender of the Human Race to judge it. You should jolly well die and save Earth's resources.

No one needs you, no one wants you. Your brother hit you, you called him a bastard, He invited you to f*** him. What are you living in, Xiu Yi. Go on, die, jump. The world does not like you. It hates you to the core. Your Dad ignored you when your brother hit you. You deserve it, don't you? You deserve to be hurt, to be in misery.

Your life is meant to be in misery. No happiness, no no nothing. You have to die. To die to seek solace in Death. You belong there, XIu Yi. You do. Nowhere but the great blue sky.

Stay and be hated. Leave and be forgotten.

Everybody's Changing Lyrics- Keane

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

You're gone from here
And soon you will disappear
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. We are friends no more.


There is a price to pay. This is the price you pay.







tomorrow, it shall all end. my misery shall be gone. i shall hurt no more, no more, no more, no more. you hear me?

It is me.

I am afraid.








I am alone.


I woke up in the middle of the night or rather,(well considering i only managed to sleep at 4)somewhere towards dawn, to find books falling over me from the bookshelf. If this wasn't odd enough, what about the moth that flew overhead on my way to the lift this morning.

I hope it is just me and not reading too much KOTC. XX didnt see it at all. How could this be? She was only a distance ahead of me, and the moth made distinct shadows around..

There were too many things on my mind last night,tossed and turned in bed, and images of the unimaginable kept coming before my eyes. I swore right then i wouldnt open my eyes and hugged the bolster even tightly. And then i felt for XX, and was glad she was warm and there. My only source of comfort.

I told XX it wasnt things that were haunting me. It is me.

I'm going mad. I'm going mad.

Love

Love keeps me going,rolling,hoping. Ma, Pa, XX keep me going on in life. They showed me there's better ways to go on(with a little sarcasm of course, they still think I was stupid).

Hate inspired me to write this, but in a good way la. Hmm, I wonder if i should turn ruthless and fight for what i want in future? Or even turn fake and evil like those i detest? Well, NO WAY. Yeah, I'm gonna fight for what I want from today onwards with new heart and soul, in another direction. Since, I wont ever be recognised anyway. Gosh, I sound power-hungry, but who in this world not hope for some recognition for the things they have done?

And ahead of me lies another dilemma. Should I be going back to the very place I love and hate all at the same time. My parents and XX are furious and I bet they wouldnt want me going back. But deep in my heart I hesitate, I wouldnt want regretting it in future.OKay now, what the hell am I talking about?ARGH I NEED SLEEP..

I speak of yesterday's today. So it is the past. Will I ever be able to let go? Damn the monster. Things have changed forever. I hate her for inflicting such mental hurt to me. Forgiving is a question. Perhaps maybe one day, when I get senile and then I'll ask "Really ah, got this person meh?"

That day better come.

Speaking of this, I hope E will forgive me for the similar day one year ago, when i spoke such harsh words to her.

Thoughts are swirling and swirling in my head. I can't sleep(or was it the coffee just now?)I'm going Looney..Great i love Looney Tunes..

Today

Today, I stopped believing. Stopped believing in miracles, stopped believing in any strand of hope. I've stopped believing in myself.

Today. We had our GOH rehearsal for Senior Minister Goh gracing our 45th anniversay.

Today. We had training till 8pm.

Today. I beared with it from 1pm till 8pm.And most importantly,

Today. I knew about the truth. I knew about everything. I knew I had been an idiot, believing in miracles that would have never had happened. I endulged in fantasies that were never meant to be. I had hopes too high that could never be achieved. I land myself in misery, in grief. Or is it disappointment, or a mixture of jealousy and hate all at the same time?

Rui and Cliff got BUC. Jan and KW got SI. Out of everyone, why them? Why must it be my best friends? Why was I the last person in the whole squad to know? Why? Why didnt they realise I was upset? Why didnt they see the tears roll down my cheeks? Why did the night had to mask my tears and let them mistake it for the light?

yongchang says:
there are still things in life u can go out for
yongchang says:
one thing in life is u must learn to impress ur superior, but be humble to those who are equal to u.

I wanted to scream: What about me? What about my feelings? I DESERVED EVERYTHING THEY GOT. THEY DID NOTHING AND GOT EVERYTHING. JAN THE QUIET GIRL GOT THE HIGHEST POSITION EVER. SHE DID NOTHING AND PEOPLE THOUGHT SHE WERE GOOD.KW THE SLACKER DID NOTHING IN NP EVER. CLIFF THE NOT-MY-BUSINESS GOT BUC. OH MY WHAT IS HE? An IRREGULAR ATTENDING CADET??AND RUIYAN, MY BEST FRIEND? OR IS SHE? WAS SHE BEING NICE TO ME CAUSE SHE FELT GUILTY ABOUT GETTING HER POSITION? WHY DO THIS THINGS TO ME!! OH GOD WHY DO THESE THINGS TO ME??

I'm crying as though my heart would break. And I mean it. The tears just keep welling out and my face is cramping. My heart feels as though it's about to stop beating anytime. I just so wished none of these had happened, so I wouldnt feel so miserable. But truth has to slap me in the face and tell me " hey you did all of these of your own accord. you have no one to blame but yourself"

Oh God, I feel so heartbroken. I want to hate her but i can't. She's my best friend.While walking out of school just now, she saw my tears welling out and I lied to her when she asked, "What's wrong?" "Oh nothing, i am just so happy I wanna cry."

And cry I did. Rui didnt realise that she is the very reason I was crying about and was cracking jokes about me being les. I wanted so much to scream and run away but I couldnt. She is only but the innocent victor.

You know now, flashes of me running a race is being played in my mind. Rui is beside cheering me on, while I was tripping and struggling with those hoops I had to jump over. Just when I was about to reach the finishing line, Rui unknowingly emerged the victor. How ironic can things get? She who were there for me and unloyal to the award got the award eventually. But who am I anyway to comment so much on Justice. Justice only exist in courts, in murder cases. Even so every now and then innocent people get maligned into serving sentences for crimes they never commit.

Oh God when are you going to release me from this Jail of Life. This is one too many tests to take. I just wanna lie and sleep forever.

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

here i am again. Sorry that i only come here whenever i am flooded with feelings. This time i'm typing this with hot tears cruising down my cheeks? Why? Why should i bother?

Yesterday was Youth Day, a happy occasion, but things went topsy-turvy when Tiger broke the news to us. Another death of my classmate's parent. Let me start with me admitting that i dont feel any emotions stirring within me when i heard the news. After all, we were merely classmates, and not even close ones at that. I was once his Angel, but we were never close. So why am i affected?

Cause i am guilty. I am guilty that i treated my parents the way i am. Why must it always be this way- that something happens, and i feel bad, then i learnt my lesson, and i will change? I hate feeling this way!

Ivan Mat just had a quarrel with me. We were actually only discussing about the "big drama". But i told him that it wasnt the time to pinpoint who was actually really crying and not. And things go awry. Ivan turned back to call me the hypocrite.

It hurt.

So fragile

It's so fragile, this thing called Life. I got to know what actually happened to Ashwin today, that is, his father passed away due to a heart attack and Ash went back to India. We are all probably not going to see him any longer. Just like that- Zip Zap Snip Snap.

It is all gone in a wisp.

I wonder how many days down the road, would we all remember him as the brilliant amiable boy,perhaps even the Class Clown? He brought laughter, irriation(in a funny way) and friendship, and it is simply all gone now. He made a difference in all our lives, and it was him who told me to grasp whatever i have now, and not in the nonchalent way i was treating life. He reprimanded me for having such low esteem, for having such a low ambition, for stooping so low as to become a farmer. After all this? He seemed outraged.


Sigh.

I don't know what more i can say.

But speaking of this, it makes me guilty. It seems like my earlier entry is going to contradict what i am going to say now. that is, life is so fragile and we must grasp whatever we have now. i'd better learn to cherish the people around me now, rather be selfishly cooped up in my world of self-pity. I have been secluded in my own world of bleakness.

It's time i change.

Whatever it is, i hope he takes it in his stride. i know this is impossible, but then-

let me end on a good note..

Dad, Mum, I love you. Forever and forever. For the simple fact you are my parents, and not because of what you have done. Life may be a struggle for us, but we've made it through, and i hope we'll go on.

Just the way it used to be.

I need to gather my thoughts, they are scattered all around..

No words can describe my grief. I am so devastated, i want to cry, i want to die, i want to give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Everything shall come to an end. Soon.

No tears would come, why? Is it my extent of grief not yet enough? Or have i gone mad. I am so cold, so emotionless. I feel grief, yet empty. Nothing is ever going to me back. I have reached this Elsewhere, with no one to turn to, no one to talk to.

I want to give up on life.

Life has so much to offer, yet i allowed all these to let slip through my very fingers. I could make my life vibrant and exciting, but something always hold me back. This sense of doom that i am enclosed in. It's like being in this dark room. I scrambled to get out, but there was no doors. Clawed at the walls, only to find cold hard darkness. I came out of my shell years ago, yet i retreated back in. I no longer communicate with this world, i communicate with Loneliness.

Brother of Sleep.

They say He is scary, but he is only but inches away from everyone. One day i may just drop down dead for no apparent reason. Life is so short. Short is sweet,isnt it? But why do i find life a crawling experience. I wish to die, but i have no courage.

Many a times had i stood in front of the window, wishing to jump. It shall all end, then. But i have so many things i have undone-havent do, havent experience, havent settle. Oh God, why do you make fun of me? Why do i feel like part of a game? Why am i only a prawn in your game? Why am i controlled by fate?

I told you, i have lost contact with this world. I no longer talk sense.Isnt it all obvious? The above few paragraphs was nonsense! Nothing makes sense anymore.It all comes back to me, something is wrong with me. Even now, i am surprised by what i can type, what i can express in simply words.


I used to be optimistic, what have i turned into now? A 8 legged monster octopus?

Let go. i have to learn to let go. Let go, let go, let go..

Keeping the Dreams Alive

Well.. perhaps this entry has nothing to do with keeping the dreams alive.. but i will always love NP and will strive to keep our dreams alive, for NP is what has moulded me into what i am now. Perhaps it has, but only for me, and i am eternally greatful for the friends i had.

They say all good things come to an end, I should refuse to agree, but my heart doesnt lie, good things do come to an end, so has my friendship with many other people.

Was it me, or was it them who changed? Why? Why am I back into this shell, this world of fantasy, where everyone wears a mask, where i've grown into this mask. I cannot recognise myself..

Talked to a depressive Cliff yesterday.I tried to make him see the positive side of life but ended up being depressed instead. He's so much different from how he appears on the outside. Maybe as he said, people like to put on a brave front. Each and everyone of us plays this game of Simon Says. Who is Simon? It can be you, me, and more often than not, the people around us. We all are superficial- we enjoy this world as a stage.

I dont understand what i have typed. I think it's because of what happened.

We used to be close.. we could talk about anything under the sun, without a care for this world. All this has come to a standstill, has it?

XX left me in the lurch, alone and afraid. I went to CDANS alone and reached about 15 minutes earlier before the movie was screened. I entered the theatre and this really deafening silence and fearful darkness engulfed me. I ran in horror, away from this room, and I tripped over the stairs in my haste. there wasnt a single soul inside the room. What in the world was i doing, i told myself.

I called XX and she sounded as pissed as she was when she just told me she wasnt going. Without a damn about how i felt. I tried sounding cheerful and cool and i tried to persuade her to come. To no avail.

Took a look at the list of numbers in the handphone, and to my dismay, i saw that there was no one i could turn to. Not the guys(i can't use them!) , not yiling(mum) not sandy(homework) not janice(so far away) not gladis(stress) not ruiyan (get it over and with) not adeline,not my classmates. No one. no one.
No one who would or could come in my darkest hour. No one.

How could i turn to my classmates, when our conversations go no more further than usual fake teasing and stupid jokes. I make people happy, I'm a jester, nothing else more to them. To them, I seemed carefree and friendly, and probably have loads of friends, and probably didnt have time for them. Was i so? During Flag Day, i was the only girl in the group, with 8 other boys. And that was a last minute decision i made, because no one wanted me, not even janice's group. I didnt belong to the cool or the uncool, the nerdy or slackers. I'm in the middle of nowhere, stuck with no one else to turn to.

Then i laughed amidst my tears. I'm a joke. In my 4 years, i had friends, i once belonged, but i dont anymore. there isnt a true friend who could come to talk to me when i wanted to, no one i could tell my secrets to, not even my other half. Please Someone, will you come?

Keeping the dreams alive.

I will try.

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