My dear friend.. you will always be remembered

"A REGULAR serviceman with the Republic of Singapore Air Force (RSAF) was killed in a road accident in the United States on Sunday afternoon - 2.10am on Monday, Singapore time.
Lieutenant Alan Chee Zhi Hao, 21, was evacuated by air to the Sacred Heart Hospital in Pensacola, Florida, where he died at about 9.20pm, said the Ministry of Defence (Mindef) in a statement.
He was with two other Singaporean servicemen when the car they were travelling in crashed into a parked truck along a stretch of highway in North Florida.
They were believed to have been on their way back to their base at the US Army Aviation Centre in Fort Rucker, Alabama.
LTA Chee, LTA Lim Jun Kai, 23, and LTA Ingkiriwang Wei Zhi Reeve, 22, had been on a trip organised by the centre to visit the National Naval Aviation Museum in Florida.
It is not known if the car was rented or belonged to one of them, but LTA Lim was at the wheel."

4 days after Cheesy's death.

Tears just keep welling in my eyes everytime I think about him. Just on his birthday last month, he told me how he missed Singapore and how he hoped he could come back for all the festive occasions.

I told him he could. And now he's gone.

I still remember the days when I was depressed about my studies and silly boy-woes. He would ask how I was and asked me to share so I'd feel better.

And the times he told me about his dreams and patiently explained how the military works when I told him I was interested in a career there as well.

And the times he brought back gifts and chocolates when he came back to Singapore. Even though I was not a close friend.

He was still so young.

So much ahead of him.


" Because I fly,
I laugh more than other men.
I look up and see more than they.
I know how the clouds feel,
What it's like to have the blue in my lap,
To look down on birds,
To feel the freedom in a thing called the stick.

Who but I can slice through the heavens.
Who else has seen the unclimbed peaks?
The rainbow's secret?
The real reason birds sing?
Because I Fly,
I envy no man on Earth."

You had, my friend. I'm proud of you.

In loving memory of Lieutenant(LTA) Alan Chee Zhi Hao
Departed 16 November 2009

上天的最后机会

I dreamt that I was dead.


或许这就是他们献给我的最后机会。。


This's got to be the weirdest dream I ever had. I woke up crying, and my sobbing startled xx awake. I woke up thinking that it was real - it took xx several times to convince me that it wasn't.

I cried for a long time afterwards. Can't fall asleep now with so many things I want to say, so that's why I'm typing this now..

I dreamt that I died in Taiwan, and everything that followed in these 2 weeks after was just a sequel to my death. In the dream, there were times I didn't remember that I was already dead. And then I put in too much of myself.. gosh.. the dream was just a repeat of everything that happened, with a few additions and there. So real it scares me.


可能，这是她给我的劝导 - 要我珍惜现在的一切？


I dreamt of him, my mum, and many others. I dreamt that when I was with him, I forgot that I was dead. I was so happy to be with him on his birthday I didn't realise it was not to be..

I dreamt that V sticked through with me, gave me support throughout the whole ordeal.

I dreamt that Mama did everything a mother will do for her child. Of course, I know she does now too=)

And then in the end, I dreamt that while Mama was putting me to bed, everything rushed back to me. I dreamt that I was guilty, because he was oblivious that I was... Yet, I put in too much. I thought of how eventually my spirit will leave this world, and it hurt so much to think I will leave all my loved ones.

I asked her,

“妈妈，你会不会忘记我？
我好怕我会忘了你。。
你可要记得我。。。”

The tears kept flowing after that.
Now I know how(good) it is to live twice.

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My beloved grandma..

I'm here now, before her altar at the funeral. Keeping watch for the night..

If you ask me how I feel right now, I guess.. I wouldn't have a proper reply. Yes, I'm bereaved, but I have gradually come to terms with the fact that she had passed on. Yet no matter how, I can't help the tears at times. Can't help being overwhelmed by a huge sense of longing for her; can't help but miss her voice, her smile.

I have so many things to say to her, but often I'm at a loss in expressing myself. I'm such a disappointment. In all my 18 years, I've only grasped a 5 year-old equivalent of Teochew. But she had never blamed me for that and only prodded me on when speaking. Despite my broken Teochew, I was never embarrassed to talk in front of her. Just her.


I miss you so much.

I miss your laughter.

I miss the way you jokingly scold me vulgarities because you wanted to test my level of Teochew. I always knew you were=)

I miss your phonecalls. I miss how you always asked after Ma, because you were concerned about how hard Ma had to work to support us.

I miss the stories you tell us of when we were young.

I miss you nagging at me and xiaomei to go home at 8pm everytime without fail, because you were worried we girls will be home too late.



I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry that I was often scared to pick up your calls. I'm sorry for making you really frustrated at times when I couldn't comprehend the message you wanted me to pass to Ma.

I'm sorry for ever finding you a nuisance, for constantly thinking that you were naggy.

I'm sorry for breaking my promise to you that I'd stop fighting with xiaomei.

I'm sorry that I didn't visit you more often, when I could have.


Most of all, I want to thank you so much for taking care of us five. I knew you cared about us most among the other grandchildren. You would always make sure we had something to eat after school, and make sure we took back more than enough of your home-made cakes for the family.



I love you so much.

Did you hear me then? The night you left, I held your hand, kissed your forehead and said, 'I love you.' I know I say it to you all the time, but I mean it every single time.


I hope you're doing well up in heaven, grandma. I know you're happier now.

I'm happy for you too.

As much as I brace myself..

伤感

只能说

好害怕



好害怕失去她

好无奈…只想不停地哭