Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-- Robert Frost

The ups and downs of life.

Loss.

Grief.

Change.


Yes, I know I shouldn't be saying this when my beloved grandma is lying in the hospital once again. I don't understand this at all - At this age, when she should be enjoying her late years, why do so many things have to befall her?

First, the cancer. And just when our hopes got higher because the tumour had shrunken, a suspected stroke.


If only I can lessen her fear, her pain.




I just want her to be happy.

it came again

it came again.

the impulse to end it all.

a quick one, the roads're so busy afterall.







it's so easy.







but no, no, no.

hurt

I have always thought that since then, I wouldn't feel intensely anymore. Yes, I do get moody, confused..but never so hurt in the way..it hurts to breathe. Hurts to feel my heart beating. Hurts to cry.

So now I know, I'm not that unfeeling afterall.

I wonder if she knows she's the only one who can truly inflict such pain on me. If only..I could diminish that hatred in her. It hurts to look into her eyes.

Because..each time I'd only see anger, disappointment, contempt.


Before she left, she threw my stuff all over the room, smashed the keyboard repeatedly (thank goodness the laptops's still working),and hollered at me.
I tried telling myself, it's okay, really. I tried disguising my hurt clearing the mess.

But I still can't stop those pangs from coming back.

Well, I've just found she's changed the laptop password. After I shut this down, I will not be able to access it again. But I won't be asking her. This is weird I know, but I'm just going to pretend that I have no idea and nothing's happened.




I will wait.

What was I thinking?

Entry removed.

Foolish thoughts that shouldn't have been penned down.

Alright someone shoot me down for lying

Sorry i lied again..I just have too many things to pen down..



Just like that..a year has passed. So many memories, forgotten.
But I'm not complaining, because I'm thankful everything has come to pass.



Some quotes from the book I'm reading that would perhaps, echo my current feelings:

'Strangely, I was glad that someone knew me for who I really was; I was tired of pretending..'

'I wondered how and when I'd become capable of causing this kind of pain.'

'There was so much goodness in my life, so much happiness. I wondered whether I deserved any of it.'

it hurts to breathe.