Running away..but from what?

I have decided that hiding isn't the solution to things. There is no point in keeping my blog private anymore, since what's done been done. It wasn't his fault afterall- my blog's open to anyone to see. But..at that moment, it felt like my personal space had been invaded.


That didn't feel great.




What started out as a place for me,and me alone, to vent my grievances became a channel for a few close friends to understand a little more of me. To let them see more of my inner thoughts so they could give me advice and share my troubles.
I wasn't one to share my feelings readily and perhaps, I still am so.



This may jolly well be my last ever post here. Why, you may ask? The thing is, I'm not even sure either. Perhaps I regret ever letting my feelings, my thoughts to spill into public view? To continue letting certain uninvited individuals probe further?


Nah, I'm better left to my own devices.






But I can't help feeling attached to this blog. Argh. Such contradictions.
"This huge silent invisible dome, home, school, the society itself, each with its share of hard rules and claims, to bind and suffocate. "

would you run and never look back

The pain of discipline is easier to endure than the pain of regret.

But as all humans do, I am oblivious to the impending 'pain of regret'. It's barely there after all.










Running away. Running away from you my sister. From blame. From guilt.

From judgement.

beyond words

I have been crying alot.

At least for the past 3 nights.

I am not being emotional, but having been hit by a series of incidents, I just couldn't help but break down..


It's tough being such a failure and having to hide all the unhappiness. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being such a hypocrite by appearing so strong and happy on the outside.

***


The heaviest thing weighing on my mind right now is G. G took 25 sleeping pills in the hope of ending everything. I was so foolish to have thought it was minor..after today's visit, I realised she really need us to be there.







To keep her sane.





That place was horrible..I was frightened just staying there for hours. People crying, wailing and hitting things on the other side of the room. What I really want right now is for her to get well and get out of the place.

I saw a side of G I never knew. I guessed she nearly had a relapse.


I felt so helpless, so worried then...

Why, why on earth did I not care for her earlier on? The day her dad passed on, she needed me. Why, of all days, did I choose not to reply her?

I'm so sorry that i wasn't there for you when you needed someone most..prolly more than what i will need in my whole life..

i feel like ice. cold hard ice.

It's been a long time.

and it has been a hard, troubled time.


She hasn't gotten over the last incident.




She

just

can't



forgive

me.




Neither can I. This is making me so miserable...and i dont know who i can talk to. Who would be bothered with my stupid, childish, trivial troubles? Who would want to listen? There's glad, ili and sk, but I'm scared I'll only disturb them. I don't think anyone would understand why such things make me so miserable. I wish I know too..


It doesn't help things when she flares up over every little mistake I make. Do I irritate her so much?

Am I that detestable?












Maybe I am

i doubt what i am..

Cruel as a knife,
I cut.










Like the blade,
I am cold.
Unfeeling.Harsh.


Am I wrong..to be who I am? Once again, I have shattered a fragile heart.








Along with it, a shard pierced through my own.

The Escapade to Nowhere..

Dear A,

I think you'd have known by now that I am the girl who came to your house last night. I'm sorry to have put you in a spot by deciding to stay on in your house.. it must have came to you as a big shock.

I'm truly apologetic for my rash and immature behaviour..I must have struck you as a rebellious adolescent, haven't I? Well, I know no amount of talking will suffice for my childish behaviour, but I hope you'd listen to my explanation..I had the worse quarrel with my twin sister, and in her anger, she hollered at me "not to go home" anymore. On the spur-of-the-moment then, I heeded her.

There was no one i could really turn to so.. I turned to B. I'm sorry I put those ideas into B's mind and I sincerely hope you'd not reprimand B for what'd happened.

Lastly, I assure you no such escapades will ever happen again.. I'm sorry for being such a brash child.

Sincerely,

Xiu Yi



26/07/07:
More than 2 months have passed.. It felt like an adventure then. Now I'm ashamed. Truly ashamed. And I'm now facing the percussions of my foolish actions.

such egoistical creatures

WE

are

all


so

damn

caught

up

with

our

own pride.






nothing's being said to rectify the situation. Broken pieces that will never be the same again.



why are we all so estranged now?

Limit of proportionality

Everything and everyone has a limit.

In physics, we learn about the limit of proportionality, whereby when a spring exceeds its limit, it deforms. In other words, the spring no longer returns to its original length. But that's not the point..my point is: Don't overdo it.

As i mentioned, everyone has a limit. I'm no exception.




I snapped, in actual fact. When a string snaps, there's this sudden backlash. I didn't want to do it, but they pushed me beyond my limits.


So i retaliated. I walked out, very calmly and composedly.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?????

WHAT... DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?


A president who fails to come on time and attributes the good things that happened to "his efforts". When it's not. Members who STROLL and SAUNTER in 5 minutes into the start of the CCA. Nothing gets done even after 20 minutes. All that i've said have fallen on deaf ears.


A sister who cares, yet demand too much. How can I ever conform to her rocketing standards? It's not that i wouldn't help. It's because I CAN'T. Do i look like i wanted to fail my subject so i could go for remedials? Do i look like i enjoy the remedials? Do i look like i don't want to help? Why don't you say it out so i'd know?

I'm worn out mentally and physically.




I had to go then.



I know, you'd all handle it as well even if i'm not around. No one is indispensable afterall.

Section 1: How You Approach Life and How You Appear To Others
You are very strong-willed and proud, but intensely private and not easy to know well. Behind your quiet exterior lies a great deal of emotional depth, sensitivity, complexity, and also fierce determination. When you want something you go after it rather quietly but insistently and wholeheartedly - and you usually get it.


Section 2: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
Proud and intensely individual, you really want to stand out, to be the very best you can be, and to be recognized and appreciated for your unique contributions. Doing something well and being respected for it is extremely important to you, and you cannot tolerate being in the background, taking orders from others, or being "just one of the team". You must put your personal stamp on whatever you do, and direct your own course in life. You need to have a place where you can shine, express yourself creatively, and be the one in charge.

I don't mind being led??