So fragile

It's so fragile, this thing called Life. I got to know what actually happened to Ashwin today, that is, his father passed away due to a heart attack and Ash went back to India. We are all probably not going to see him any longer. Just like that- Zip Zap Snip Snap.

It is all gone in a wisp.

I wonder how many days down the road, would we all remember him as the brilliant amiable boy,perhaps even the Class Clown? He brought laughter, irriation(in a funny way) and friendship, and it is simply all gone now. He made a difference in all our lives, and it was him who told me to grasp whatever i have now, and not in the nonchalent way i was treating life. He reprimanded me for having such low esteem, for having such a low ambition, for stooping so low as to become a farmer. After all this? He seemed outraged.


Sigh.

I don't know what more i can say.

But speaking of this, it makes me guilty. It seems like my earlier entry is going to contradict what i am going to say now. that is, life is so fragile and we must grasp whatever we have now. i'd better learn to cherish the people around me now, rather be selfishly cooped up in my world of self-pity. I have been secluded in my own world of bleakness.

It's time i change.

Whatever it is, i hope he takes it in his stride. i know this is impossible, but then-

let me end on a good note..

Dad, Mum, I love you. Forever and forever. For the simple fact you are my parents, and not because of what you have done. Life may be a struggle for us, but we've made it through, and i hope we'll go on.

Just the way it used to be.

I need to gather my thoughts, they are scattered all around..

No words can describe my grief. I am so devastated, i want to cry, i want to die, i want to give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Give up. Everything shall come to an end. Soon.

No tears would come, why? Is it my extent of grief not yet enough? Or have i gone mad. I am so cold, so emotionless. I feel grief, yet empty. Nothing is ever going to me back. I have reached this Elsewhere, with no one to turn to, no one to talk to.

I want to give up on life.

Life has so much to offer, yet i allowed all these to let slip through my very fingers. I could make my life vibrant and exciting, but something always hold me back. This sense of doom that i am enclosed in. It's like being in this dark room. I scrambled to get out, but there was no doors. Clawed at the walls, only to find cold hard darkness. I came out of my shell years ago, yet i retreated back in. I no longer communicate with this world, i communicate with Loneliness.

Brother of Sleep.

They say He is scary, but he is only but inches away from everyone. One day i may just drop down dead for no apparent reason. Life is so short. Short is sweet,isnt it? But why do i find life a crawling experience. I wish to die, but i have no courage.

Many a times had i stood in front of the window, wishing to jump. It shall all end, then. But i have so many things i have undone-havent do, havent experience, havent settle. Oh God, why do you make fun of me? Why do i feel like part of a game? Why am i only a prawn in your game? Why am i controlled by fate?

I told you, i have lost contact with this world. I no longer talk sense.Isnt it all obvious? The above few paragraphs was nonsense! Nothing makes sense anymore.It all comes back to me, something is wrong with me. Even now, i am surprised by what i can type, what i can express in simply words.


I used to be optimistic, what have i turned into now? A 8 legged monster octopus?

Let go. i have to learn to let go. Let go, let go, let go..