Keeping the Dreams Alive

Well.. perhaps this entry has nothing to do with keeping the dreams alive.. but i will always love NP and will strive to keep our dreams alive, for NP is what has moulded me into what i am now. Perhaps it has, but only for me, and i am eternally greatful for the friends i had.

They say all good things come to an end, I should refuse to agree, but my heart doesnt lie, good things do come to an end, so has my friendship with many other people.

Was it me, or was it them who changed? Why? Why am I back into this shell, this world of fantasy, where everyone wears a mask, where i've grown into this mask. I cannot recognise myself..

Talked to a depressive Cliff yesterday.I tried to make him see the positive side of life but ended up being depressed instead. He's so much different from how he appears on the outside. Maybe as he said, people like to put on a brave front. Each and everyone of us plays this game of Simon Says. Who is Simon? It can be you, me, and more often than not, the people around us. We all are superficial- we enjoy this world as a stage.

I dont understand what i have typed. I think it's because of what happened.

We used to be close.. we could talk about anything under the sun, without a care for this world. All this has come to a standstill, has it?

XX left me in the lurch, alone and afraid. I went to CDANS alone and reached about 15 minutes earlier before the movie was screened. I entered the theatre and this really deafening silence and fearful darkness engulfed me. I ran in horror, away from this room, and I tripped over the stairs in my haste. there wasnt a single soul inside the room. What in the world was i doing, i told myself.

I called XX and she sounded as pissed as she was when she just told me she wasnt going. Without a damn about how i felt. I tried sounding cheerful and cool and i tried to persuade her to come. To no avail.

Took a look at the list of numbers in the handphone, and to my dismay, i saw that there was no one i could turn to. Not the guys(i can't use them!) , not yiling(mum) not sandy(homework) not janice(so far away) not gladis(stress) not ruiyan (get it over and with) not adeline,not my classmates. No one. no one.
No one who would or could come in my darkest hour. No one.

How could i turn to my classmates, when our conversations go no more further than usual fake teasing and stupid jokes. I make people happy, I'm a jester, nothing else more to them. To them, I seemed carefree and friendly, and probably have loads of friends, and probably didnt have time for them. Was i so? During Flag Day, i was the only girl in the group, with 8 other boys. And that was a last minute decision i made, because no one wanted me, not even janice's group. I didnt belong to the cool or the uncool, the nerdy or slackers. I'm in the middle of nowhere, stuck with no one else to turn to.

Then i laughed amidst my tears. I'm a joke. In my 4 years, i had friends, i once belonged, but i dont anymore. there isnt a true friend who could come to talk to me when i wanted to, no one i could tell my secrets to, not even my other half. Please Someone, will you come?

Keeping the dreams alive.

I will try.